


I'm in love with your cold

by softshukv



Category: (여자)아이들 | (G)I-DLE
Genre: F/F, Hurt Yeh Shuhua, Sad Seo Soojin, Sad Yeh Shuhua
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:01:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25150561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softshukv/pseuds/softshukv
Summary: Shuhua thinks about how much she lost herself in order to love someone else. She also realizes some things that need fixing.
Relationships: Seo Soojin/Yeh Shuhua
Comments: 9
Kudos: 103





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo, this is my first time writing a fic and it's not that good but bare with me.  
> Also, English is not my first language so I'm sorry in advance for any mistakes and the lack of vocabulary sksjdksj
> 
> ANYGAYS, hope you like it.

_I hate myself._

These are the words that fill Shuhua's mind as she closes the door behind her. Everyone would be surprise if they knew that for maybe the first time since they know Shuhua that the girl is not thinking about a certain someone. Well, it is related to that person. _Seo Soojin_. The one and only. 

See, the problem is that Shuhua can't hide her feelings. She can't hide when she's sad or happy, even more when she loves someone. Or at least this what she tought until she met Soojin. At the beginning, Shuhua wouldn't hide how much she likes the older girl, always showering her with affection. But, for a while now, things changed. Shuhua found herself more closed off and hiding more her emotions. 

That's exactly why she's seating on the sand of some beach she can't think the name of with her head on her hands, after running like she was being chased. She's crying after smiling to the girl she loves. Shuhua's feel the weight of lying to Soojin but what was she supposed to do when the older girl was so excited about her date? Maybe if Shuhua asked her to not go, to stay with her, to hold her, Soojin wouldn't go. Shuhua couldn't bring herself to do it though. Shuhua, who always asked Soojin to hug her, to give her a kiss, to sleep with her, couldn't bring herself to ask Soojin to not go on a date.

_God, I really hate myself._

She looks up to the grey sky and then to the ocean and it looked like it was angry. It's summer and still it looked like a storm was coming. Shuhua chuckled because of the irony. Shuhua who was always associated with laughter was crying alone. She looks at the time and decides to go home before it starts raining, hoping she wouldn't find anyone on her way.

But, of course, she's one of the most unlucky people on earth, because when she's almost in her house, she spots Miyeon's figure. 

"Unnie, what are you doing here?", she asks when she gets closer to the older girl.

"Shu, hi. I was waiting for you.", the older smiles, one of those smiles that could make everyone smile back. Maybe she wasn't so unlucky because if there was someone who could make her feel better other than the girl who hurt her it was Miyeon. "I was thinking we could watch a movie together. I miss you." Shuhua's giver her a small smile and opens the door for both of them.

"Choose the movie you want, unnie. I'm just going to take a shower.", and leaves without waiting for the answer, going straight to the bathroom and undressing.

The first thing on Shuhua's mind when the warm water runs down her body is relieve. She's been feeling cold ever sense she left Soojn's house, maybe even before. Now that she thinks about it, she's been cold for a while. Still, she allows herself to close her eyes and enjoy the warm, though inside she still feels cold as ice. She takes her time in the shower, dressing a big sweatshirt with ome sweats. When the goes to the living room she finds Miyeon sitting on the couch with a blanket envolving her body while scrolling on her phone. Miyeon notices Shuhua right away, opening a smile.

"Come here, it's cold. The weather's been really weird it was supposed to be sunny.", the older says with a frown.

Shuhua settles next to Miyeon and the older hugs her, envolving both in the blanket, and plays the movie. Shuhua lets her head fall on Miyeon's shoulder and closes her eyes. The younger doesn't know how much time passes when she hears the older's voice.

"Shu?" Shuhua tenses up keeping her eyes closed an humming, "It's okay to let go and it's okay to go and leave behind what's hurting you." Of course Miyeon _knows_ , she always does.

"What if I feel like I can't?", Shuhua opens her eyes, letting a single tear fall. Miyeon hold her hand.

"You can. Shu, you can do everything you put your mind on. I know it feels like you can't because you love her but you can love her anywhere. Here, though, you're stoping to love yourself.", Shuhua lifts her head off Miyeon's shoulder, more tears falling down.

"I've been thinking about go back to Taiwan for a while but everytime I thought I made up my mind she would text me and then I couldn't remember why I wanted to leave", tears start to falling harder, and Miyeon squeezes her hand. " What you just told me, I know it. I hate what I've become but I love her so much more than I wish to heal."

"And that's the problem, Shu. You love her more than you love yourself. Even she tells you she loves you too, you'll never be able to find the self love you lost. You deserve to be loves, Shuhua. By yourself and others." Shuhua looks at Miyeon and sees that the older girl is also starting to cry.

"What about you guys?"

"We'll love you no matter where you are. We want the best for you and even though we'll all miss you like crazy, we want the best for you.", Miyeon kisses the back of my hand and gives a small smile.

"I love you, unnie. Thank you for taking care of me.", Shuhua hugs her and closes her eyes.

"I'll always take care of you, Shu." _I wish I could protect you from everything that hurts_ , are the words on Miyeon mind.

This time, Shuhua really feels warm inside knowing she has people who love her. She feels grateful for Miyeon.

..........

"Shu! Are you ready to go?"

"Yes, unnie!", Shuhua looks around again at the almost empty house and smiles. She's going to miss it. She graps her backpack and closes the door behind her as she waks out. "Can you stop at Soojin's house? I have something to give her." Shuhua says as she enter Miyeon's car. She doesn't need to look at Miyeon to know the worried look the older has on her face. Despite, the girl nods.

When they stop in front of Soojin's house, Shuhua gets out of the car with the letter on her hand. She thought about going without telling Soojin, but she knew it would hurt the older girl and that was the last thing she wanted. She thought about saying goodbye face to face, but she knew there was a big probability of her not being able to let go of Soojin. So this was the best she could think of. A letter. She put it under the door, hoping if Soojin was home she wouldn't notice it. She rushes back to the car, telling Miyeon they could go. When the is starting, Soojin opens the door, holding the letter with a confused look on her (beautiful) face. For a moment, their eyes meet, but before Soojin could understand hat was happening, the car is already at the end of the road, leaving her behind.

Shuhua feels the tears starting to fall again. _I'm sorry_ , she thinks, _I have to do this_.

..........

Soojin sits on the couch with the letter on her hands. She tries to understand what is happening but deep down she thinks she knows. She opens the letter.

_Jinjin,_

_I know that right know you must be confused. I can imagine your face with an adorable frown._

_I hope you know I'm sorry for not saying a proper goodbye but I couldn't do it. I knew that if I was face to face with you I wouldn't be able to leave. I was always weak when it comes to you. Ever since I first met, I always felt like you were someone worth my time and affection. You helped me when I came to Korea and ever since I always hoped you would be with me forever._

_You used to feel like fire, you know? Ever since the first time my skin touched yours, it felt like fire and I gladly felt like burning. But as the time went by, something changed. Now, I feel colder every time my hand touches yours. You can ask me the exact moment I started to feel like this and I can't give you an answer. I can only give you a bunch of 'maybes'._

_Because maybe it was when I started to realize I was falling for you. Or maybe it was when I knew I knew you didn't felt the same but still hol on to the hope that you could fall for me. Or maybe it was when I cried for you for the first time while you were with someone else. Maybe it was when I saw how you smiled when our friends asked you about him like you knew you were made for each other._

_After all this, the thing that hurts me the most is how I can't let you go but I'm learning. Piece by piece I'll start to let go of you and as that happens I'll learn how to fix myself._

_I wish I didn't have to choose between you and myself. One month ago, I would choose you without thinking twice but lately I came to realize that I need to choose myself in order to love you the way you deserve to be loved. Because I love you, Jinjin. And I always will. But right now I don't love you the right way._

_I feel like I'm addicted to you._

_I'm addicted to the feeling of you holding me. I'm addicted to how I break every time I look into your eyes. I'm addicted to how cold I feel if it means I have you with me._

_You deserve to be sorrounded by people who are happy for being there, but I can't be one of them. I know you love me, even if you don't say it, even if it is as a friend. I know it. But even though I know it, I've never really felt it. I was too intoxicated by my feelings for you._

_I'll come back one day, until then, be well, unnie. Don't blame yourself and use this time without me to not worry about me. I'll heal and come back to you as myself and not someone who hated herself so she could love you._

_I'll miss you._

_\- Yeh Shuhua_

Soojin was crying and shaking as she hold the letter. The only thing she could think about was how she gave pain to the only person who gave nothing but love. Someone so pure and innocent that wasn't afraid to show her real emotions. She blamed herself but only until she decided that she too was going to become a person worth of Shuhua's love. She was going to become better so when Shuhua comes back, the younger girl would not regret loving her.


	2. I miss your warmth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One year after, feeling are still complicated. Oh... and Soojin is surprised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PART 2 YEYYY
> 
> I wasn't thinking about doing a part 2 tbh but I was so glad ou liked that I did it anyways slfdjwk  
> Hope you guys like this too.  
> And again, I apologize for any mistake and the basic vocabulary.

To say Soojin missed Shuhua was an understatement. 

Soojin felt like a part of herself refused not being with the younger girl so it left with her. It's been life this for a year. A year since Shuhua left to fix the broken parts Soojin didn't relized she broke. The korean still feels the pain on her chest when she thinks of Shuhua crying because of her. The taiwanese girl said it wasn't Soojin's fault and Soojin tried to erase that feeling, but deep down she knew. She knew it was her fault, at least some of it was her fault.

For a whole year she wished she had things differently. She wished she had hold Shuhua tighter, spent more time with the girl. She wished she had told Shuhua how much she cared and loved her. But when Soojin realized everything, Shuhua was already gone.

To be honest, Soojin never undestood why people said they only know what they have until it's gone. I mean, if you have someone you love and who loves you back why wouldn't someone not show it and preserve it as if it was the most precious thing in the world? How stupid. Soojin always thought like this, not realizing that she wasn't doing it.

That's why she finds herself, one year later, sitting on the floor, with her back leaned on the couch and Shuhua's letter on her hands, holding it, afraid that if she let go of, she would never see Shuhua again. She stopped trying not to cry long time ago, because it was useless and if there was someone worth of Soojin's tears, it was Shuhua,

_I miss you._

_I miss you so much._

She misses Shuhua. At the beginning Soojin tought she couldn't handle the pain of missing the younger girl. She was so used to having Shuhua by her side that when she wasn't there, Soojin was lost and didn't know what to do. For the first two months, the korean just stayed home. She needed time to figure out her feelings and how to deal with being without Shuhua. When she finally accepted that the younger was really gone and that it was the best for her, Soojin allowed herself to enjoy some little things without feeling guilty. It took some time until she opened up to her friends about it but she knew she had to be better for Shuhua. So she tried to share more her feelings. It was one of the hardest things she had to do but Shuhua deserved the best version of her.

The truth was that Soojin was and still is in love with Shuhua. She was in love with everything Shuhua was and everything Shuhua did. She was in love with the younger's smile, her hugs, her voice, her innocence. _God, you're an idiot, Seo Soojin. Why didn't you tell her?_

A sigh escaped Soojin's mouth. She got up and went to her bedroom, and put the letter in the last drawer of her desk. She kept it there since the first day, only reading it again when she needed reassurance that Shuhua was coming back to her or when she just felt like giving up.

For Soojin, Shuhua was always brightest than the sun. The taiwanese was always there when Soojin was sad, never leaving her and making sure Soojin knew everything was going to be okay. The korean loved Shuhua's smile. It had a power over Soojin that she never understood very well but she knew she wanted to always see it on Shuhua's face.

_How did you never realized that the smile you so much love wasn't there for so much time?_

_No_. Soojin wasn't doing that again. She was tired so she just figured it was better to sleep. _At least in my dream, you're still with me, Shu._

.......

Soojin woke up with someone ringing on her door. She looked at her phone. _6:32pm._ Right. She got up of her bed, walking to the door. When she opened, there was no one. Confused, she closed the door, noticing right after the letter that was left. Her eyes filled with tears. Soojin felt it was from _her_. Grabbing the etter as if it was the most delicate and important thing in the world (for her, it was), she sit on the chouch. _This situation is too familiar._ Even though it was true, nothing could've have prepared Soojin for the pain she felt when she has the confirmation.

_To Jinjin._

_Hi! I know you must be confused on why I'm sending you a letter after everything, but I couldn't not do it. Even though I wanted a break from you, one week ago, I asked our friends how you've been doing. For the time time since that day. They updated me and I decided then that I would send you this letter to tell you that I'm proud of you._

_You've been sharing your feelings with them. I know how hard that is for you, but the fact that you're trying makes me believe that the distance was good for you too. It makes me happy that the pain teached us both something._

_Now, you asked about me but I told all of our friends to not tell you. I wanted this time apart to help us deal with our feelings. Those deep feelings that need time to grow or fall apart. I can tell you, that my feelings grew. I'm still trying to find some of the part that were broken but there's one missing piece that I won't find here. You. You are the piece I need to feel complete so I'm working hard on the other parts to be able to go back to you._

_I learned how to live withou you. And even though I learned how to deal with the pain of not having you with me, I still love and miss you every second of the day._

_Sometimes I'm scared of you forgeting about me. Stupid, right? I'm sorry. I know you care about me. I know you love me in your way. But I still want you to know that it's okay if you decide that you don't want me with you when I go back. You deserve the best in the world. You deserve to be happy. And in any way I want to be in the way of that._

_Another thing I learned while out time apart is that you can't control feelings. Feelings are like flowers that grow without being planted. And my feelings for you are the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen. That's why I have been have to go through the pain of being without you. Because I can hold on to those flowers that I've been taken care of since the first time I met you. And I'll keep doing so._

_Anyways, I hope you're doing well. And I hope you're fighting for your happiness. I always admired you because of how strong you are, so keep being the same beautiful person I feel in love with, okay?_

_Promise me something... that yo_ _u won't ever forget how much I love you. Even when things get too hard. Even when it's hard to breathe. Even when you feel too lonely. Never forget I love you and I'll go back to you, ready to be the person you deserve me to be._

_You are the most special person I've ever met. If I could choose, I'd still fall in love with you every single day. You are worth it for me._

_Smile always, okay? Remember when I told you I was weak for you? Well, I'm the strongest with you. That's always I will always end up going back to your side._

_I miss your warmth._

_\- Yeh Shuhua_

Soojin smiles a little with tears falling down her face. 

_You're weak for me, but I'll be strong for you, Shuhua._

She holds the letter close to her chest, imaging she putting her arms around the younger girl. Somehow, it feels like Shuhua knew she needed this letter to keep going. It makes her smile because no one will ever understand her like Shuhua does.

That's how she falls asleep. On the couch, holding on to Shuhua's letter like a lifeline.

......

_1 year after_

Soojin wakes up feeling different. She has a good feeling about this day. Looking at her phone, she smiles. Maybe today she will recieve another letter. 

It's been two years since Shuhua left. One year since the second letter. After comparing noth letter, she noticed how much better Shuhua seemed. That's the reason Soojin could handle another year of no Shuhua. And today she is hoping to get another letter. 

She texted the groupchat ith her friends asking if they were down for breakfast. All of them answered yes. She got dressed and went to the cafe they decided one.

Soojin got there before everyone else. Maybe she was a little too excited today. Her friends soon arrived at the same time. 

"Good morning!", Soojin greeted them with a smile on her face. 

"What's up with all the happiness this morning? It's weird...", Yuqi said with a almost disgusted look on her face, making the other three girls laugh.

"Let's not complain and just enjoy while Ice Queen Soojin went on a break.", Miyeon said giving Soojin a small hug and sitting next to her. The other three girls settle in front of Soojin.

"Can we know what's the reason for the whole happiness though?", Soyeon asked. Before Soojin could answer, the waiter comes to their table to take their order, writing down while each one said what they wanted.

The question was forgotten by all the girls that kept talking about random things one of them remembered about until the waiter came back with their orders.

"So Soojin...", Minnie started. "Why are you so happy today?"

"Oh... I'm excited for Shuhua's letter." Soojin told them as if it wasn't a big deal, while eating, missing the smiles on the other girls faces.

They decided to spend the whole day together and Soojin felt grateful for her friends because if she went home she would start getting anxious waiting for the letter.

When Soojin went home, she was almost certain that the letter would be there. Waiting for her. But when she was in front of her house and looked up from her phone, what was waiting for her was something so much better.

"Hi, Jinjin", the girl that's been on Soojin's mind says with a smile on her face and tears on her eyes, "I missed you."

The older girl can't say anything so she just hugs the girl and starts crying. Shuhua still smells the same, still feels the same. What's different is that, this time, Soojin isn't going to ever let go of her. She's going to give Shuhua the love she gave her back. This time, Soojin is also going to love Shuhua the way the younger deserves to be loves.

......

_I missed your warmth_ , Shuhua thinks with a smile.

_This is how you used to feel. This how you made me feel. I don't feel cold anymore._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twt: @softsana_kth

**Author's Note:**

> my twt: @softsana_kth (in case any of you want to send suggestions or just be friends uwu)


End file.
